there are moments in a mother's life that no one else can understand, except other mothers. i had one of those 'ohh, so this is what they were talking about days,' this past weekend.
there were SO many times before chloe was born that i heard, "you can't understand that until you've had a child;" "you have no clue until you're a mom...," or "just wait... i promise you'll think differently." i realize its terribly annoying to hear that and honestly, it annoyed the crap out of me. but, i've realize that 'they' were right. there is absolutely no way to understand the feeling i felt this weekend until i had chloe.
i had such a peaceful, beautiful weekend with my little family. i worked my tail off all week and was feeling the effects of my parent's absence (they were cruising all week). the little moments of sanity in which my mom usually tends to chloe for a while when we're together, was gone. SO glad you're back, mom!
andrew, chloe and i ran around, went shopping, hung out with G.G. and did tons of yard work. by the time the sun went down on saturday, i needed a break. a 'me' break. i used to be amazing at self-care and recongnized the need for it almost immediately, but nowadays that's more on the backburner. even if i want it, it usually includes at least one little cute baby.
so when andrew went in to spend some daddy time with chloe for a while on saturday night, i gladly offered to go pick up some food for us. this is where the core self moment began.
i took andrew's car because i needed speed. sound stupid? not when you're used to driving high-performance vehicles youre entire life and now drive an explorer. i NEEDED to drive fast. so i took his car. first step: windows down. it was a perfect weekend night. the sun had just dipped below the horizon and the breeze was intoxicating. next step: music. not relaxing, calming music. i needed some 1990's U2 very badly. we started with some Mysterious Ways and ended with Zoo Station. i let my hair fall into my face, i held my hand out the window to catch the wind and i drove. i honestly drove like i was the only person on the road. so, if you saw something flying by and thought... that person may/may not be on some serious hallucinogens...that was me.
it was freedom. that's the part that a mom can understand. it doesn't matter if you're going to the grocery store, to pick up food or for a 30-minute pedicure. for that little amount of time, it just feels so unbelievably good. its freedom to be you. not mommy you, not partner you, not work you. core self you. those moments have become more precious to me as my time is shared with more and more people.
core self me listens to really loud music, regardless of what it is. core self me likes the windows down 100% of the day. core self me thinks i'm cooler than i really am most of the time (but honestly, that's a whole other issue, now isn't it?) the point is, getting to wear many different hats in life is a blessing. not everyone gets to wear as many hats as i do and i don't take that for granted for one second. but honestly, i LOVE my U2 hat. it might be dustier than some of my others these days, but as long as i dont forget to wear it occassionally....well, then i know i'm doing just fine.
peace, erin
I love this. You are so right. It brings me back to two key moments during this last year: 1. I drove to Wolf Camera and was driving like a freedom maniac, as well. Too bad I look back at it and I was probably driving like that because I was high on painkillers from the c-section. Whoops. I thought I was good to drive at the time.
ReplyDelete2. I offered to go get a plunger when Palmer was about a month old. My husband looked at me like I was crazy, but by God, I sure got that plunger. All. By. Myself.